a letter for you, baby boy

Waylon,

Happy half birthday. You have been with us six incredible months. Incredible in many ways. Incredibly tiring. Incredibly amazed at how big you’ve grown. Incredibly frustrating at times. Incredibly consumed with my love for you.

You are my last baby. I can promise you that. Your dad and I agreed that if you hadn’t come into our lives and we had made the choice to stop with your brother, we would have regretted it. You were a missing piece that we weren’t entirely sure we were missing. You have been loved since the minute we found out about you. But I can say with confidence that this time with you is the last time I’ll do the baby stage. I love each and every part of you and your siblings. I want to give you all my very best self. Some people are made for big families, handling it with grace and ease. With each new baby I have flailed a little bit more. Losing a little bit more of myself, for just a bit longer than before. I do always find my feet again. I find my rhythm and eventually each day is easier than the last. We all have to know our limits though and you are mine. You fill my heart up to the very tip top and I want to stop there. I’m overwhelmed often and never truly understood anxiety until I had children. Yet, each new day that overwhelming feeling slips slightly further away. You fuss less. Your naps are more predictable and easier to come by. Night time still is your kryptonite but we’re chipping away at it. You roll over and scoot around a little bit more. You smile and giggle more than ever. The way you light up just to see us, melts me every time. Your growing like a weed, already in 12 month clothing and you have a new fascination that keeps your attention from one day to the next. There is a strange comfort in the chaos because it means that life is happening and I’m trying desperately to draw it all in and remember every piece of it. I’m far from being a perfect mother to you, but you are nothing less than a perfect son to me. All you want from me is love and attention, and milk. Anyone that looks at you can tell you really like milk. A spitting image of your dad with your mama’s blue eyes, you are the sweetest baby brother. Our days wouldn’t be as crazy without you here, but they would certainly be filled with a whole lot less love. Thank you baby boy for coming into our family.

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